The Destination is Now

All of these colours, I see them
As I reach into a nest with my eyes
And feel the bird of tomorrow
Wrapped in an egg shell,
Fly through my mind.

And I find myself in the memory
Of a ripe womb and tiny legs
Pushing for relationship
With the outside world.
Not ready for it yet.

Then my fingers fumble for the
Pieces of a great puzzle I did years ago,
While listening to The Hobbit on audiotape.
So many blue, white, green pieces -
It took forever to see
The bigger picture.

And I think about all that happens
In eggs, wombs and unfinished puzzles
And enjoy imagining myself discovering that
The destination is not somewhere out there.

But actually here, in the nest with bird's eggs,
Actually there in the ripening womb
Yes, and groping for pieces of a great puzzle,
I find the destination is not time-bound.

It is the moment you are reading this,
The destination is now.

J Graser

Artist - Elena Ray

The Change of Becoming

I am no longer a stranger to my former ways.
Embedded in a cocoon is one way
To get to know yourself, the
Intimate mess of it.

 

Morphing in stricture,

A grace-prison of selfless knowledge.

 

There are occasional sparks of light

As though I see visions of the future
In the darkness of my confinement.

 

And I have been re-introduced to my

Own younger self
And forced to spend time with her -
Not always keen.

 

But I'm learning to keep my opinions

To myself, and listen.

 

I am learning what it is to be present

To the deep Unknown.

 

I am learning that there is no space

To hold onto anything else,
But the change of becoming.

J Graser

 

 

 

Artist - Enoki Toshiyuki

 

The monk in my dream last night

He came to us in a dream last night,
We were walking in the monastery forest
And he passed us by
As the fragrant air caught us in the nostrils.

He turned and asked, "Have you got some?"
Then he offered us what he had in his hands
From his livelihood, with humble generosity.

It was the perfume he made from the pine sap
He drew from the healing trees.
The monk made this into fine perfumes
For regenerating human beings.

The strong pine sap lingered at his fingertip offering
As we said, "No, we haven't."

"I will get you some," he said.

No expectation of us, this monk of honey bees, nectar
Pine sap and healing ointments.
This monk of benediction in the monastery forest
Offered kindness, welcome, quiet gifts of himself.

This monk offered us his presence.

J Graser

Artist - John Singer Sargent

A pilgrim in your arms

I am beyond the mountain now
No more round and round for me.
Lord, it was too alluring to think
I could get somewhere by going nowhere.

I stepped away from the same old same old
And found myself a pilgrim in your arms.

People have become strangers of grace
Born into flesh with eyes mounted in souls
Looking into my eyes,
And greeting us silently.

I have a palm in front of me, holding nothing but hope.
I have a palm beside me, holding nothing but your hand.

Lord you are wise beyond your years,
I know your laugh from deep within
Is an earthquake to my old ways of doing and thinking.
And as the ground of my yesterlife crackcrumbles around me

I am finding your heart is a field with no fences.
I am looking and seeing with my deeper eyes.
I am hearing your voice packaged in many voices
All singing.

J Graser

Art photography - Rob Woodcox

Lord, let me receive myself with love

Lord, let me receive myself with love.

I walk towards myself,

As though I face me, in the lounge....
There I sit by the fire,
With creasethebrow thoughts on my mind.

I sit down, beside myself,
I hold my hands as my surprised face looks up,
To see me there.

I will look into my eyes
Into the hidden dark and hidden light

Then, I will embrace myself.

I will receive myself with love.

J Graser

 

Artist - Frederick Childe Hassam

I Come

Down the steps I come
Dry, thirsty I come, parched
I come.

I step into the water...
My feet in the well
My legs in the well
My hands, heart, soul
My head, mind, spirit
In the well.

I drink.
I bathe.
I float in the water
I drift.

I look at the sky
The birds, clouds
Sky.

I will be ready to
Do your will once again
When the dryness of me
Is taken by your quench.
Until then,
I come.

J Graser

Artist - Brian Scott

Inner Landscape

My mountain of heart valleys into deep red,  

It climbs heights into pink of dawn.

I ascend into my brain, view the territory, right and left
Rivers of thought, pathways of hope, doubt, dreams, fears.

I bungee jump into my chest and listen to my lungs

Expand, contract expand, each breath a gift.

 

It is time to pioneer the unknown terrain
Of the soul of my innermost parts.

I will dig into my spirit to search for secret treasure.
The deep will fill with my seeking eyes.

 

I will find the scroll of promises kept for me
And dance in the night to music composed for such a moment.

J Graser

Artist - Christian Schloe

 

Meet me in slow time

Slow down our moments
Meet me in slow time
Plunge me into grace.

Stop the clock,...
Suspend reality...

Meet me in paints and song
Sing with me in oil pastel,

Drift with the tide.

Brush stroke me into being
Deep determined impressions
Of light, of dark,

Of coming into ourselves
Outside of time.

J Graser

 

 

The Sound of Amen

Fill my day with the sound of Amen
So be it, let it be.

Let the Amen fill my soul
Whisper it through my mind

The rest of it leans into your chest
At the feasting table

Breaking bread, drinking wine
I lean into your chest with the sound of it,

Amen.

J Graser

 

New realms of my being

I am in the now moment with you

Loving Spirit.

I am a phoenix of fire and special tongues,

There is a surprise in every unfurling of wings.

 You are mystery and journey,

 The road of you leads ever onwards.

Spirit of my temple, I have not arrived in you,
I have begun to be birthed.

Some of me has passed away
To make space for your great furnace.

I have found the pleasure of ever unfoldingness.

The discovery of heart that grows large large larger in the dark and in the light.

I have found not arrival, but rather departure... into new realms of your Being.

Into new realms of my being
in you.

J Graser

 

The stillness of faith

Dip my weakness into your
strong pulsing heart.

I will hide there, all quiet
While your chest enfolds me.
 
I will listen to your rhythm
Moor me to the calm of you.

I will sit in the stillness of faith
And find my beating heart.

I will find my beating heart.

J Graser

Wings

The wings have been
Growing on me now
For quite some time.

Feathers look foreign to me still,...
But I have become more familiar
As they've spanned out
Over the years.

And lately, even a slight updraft
Sends these wings trembling
For the sky.

I think I could be ready
To try them out soon.

My heart rises in the mist.

J Graser

Drawing deep from contemplative wells

My journey so far, has led me to new places of grace where I find myself drinking from unexpected wells and getting that "eyebrow rise with a smile surprise" each time I come across a new experience of finding and knowing God. 

I have included a list of Favourite Links incorporating many of these gifts which have come to me recently - you can find these as you scroll down on the left.  But I would like to mention a particular few of them here: 

Pray as you Go http://www.pray-as-you-go.org/home/ is a daily podcast with music, scripture and questions for reflection which has become a contemplative well of grace in my life.  Each day a gift of music comes to you, from different worship expressions around the world, taking you straight into the heart of the moment.  Scripture is read and questions are asked, so that you may slow down and reflect, discovering what God has to say to you.  Quiet music is played while you think over and pray through the revelations which come in this time - a ten minute or so space of peace which sets the tone for any time of the day.

Abbey of the Arts http://abbeyofthearts.com/ is an online monastery encouraging a walk of contemplative life, as a spiritual monk or pilgrim in daily creative life.  This very supportive atmosphere releases a spirit of creativity and an encouragement to explore ever deeper in your relationship with God and yourself in community with others.

I have discovered music available at the touch of a button on Tunein Radio, where you can search for the music you like and set up a profile of your favourites.  I have found some wonderful calming music for sleep or for accompanying times of prayer and reflection.  Sleepscapes - Rain is one of these: http://tunein.com/radio/Sleepscapes--Rain-s237131/ and my favourite Abacus fm Nature Radio: http://abacusfmnature.radio.net/.  But there are so many to choose from!

A daily reading site I have grown particularly fond of is Northumbria Community http://www.northumbriacommunity.org/offices/how-to-use-daily-office/ - prayers and scripture readings for the different times of the day.

These are just a selected few of the resources that have been a blessing to my spiritual walk.

Which resources have been a blessing to your life?  Please do share!

The Cloud of Unknowing

The Cloud of Unknowing was written anonymously by a 14th century author, for monks.  But this Mom is benefitting alongside of many other pilgrims in prayer. 

I take hold of that cloud and delve in.  The Cloud of Unknowing is where you come to Father God.  It is simple, because you don't have to have an image of God in your mind.  You come to him in a great cloud and direct all of your love into his presence.  You approach him as the unseen God.  All of your anxious thoughts and distractions, you place them under a "cloud of forgetting".  Then using a word that captures the essence of your prayer, you direct your word into the cloud and open yourself to however God desires to reveal himself.  "One little gasp contains the height, depth, width, and breadth of the spirit." (The Cloud of Unknowing edited by Bernard Bangley)

This is a way for me to pursue relationship with Abba God, which has often not come very naturally to me.  I more often come to Jesus in prayer.  But I love being opened to the mystery of the fullness of the Godhead.  And when you take all pressure off of yourself to try and imagine or picture what God looks like, you are presenting yourself to God, as he is.  It provides a spacious place to get to know him without preconceived ideas about what he is like.  What we think Father God is like can sometimes block us from who he truly is, and who he wants to be for us.

So I take a word, LOVE, and I direct it into the cloud.  Over and again, this simple prayer, LOVE.  Or, TRUST.  Many words don't have a place here.  It is simple devotion to the heart of God from your heart.  And then you find yourself in the presence, and in the presence of God, his mystery beckons you to deeper places with him.  And then you start to feel his heart and receive from him.  You are open to whatever he wants to share with you in this great cloud of his presence.

How do you experience God as Father?

Exploring the Invitation of Jesus

Ever since I don't know, I have been drawn to prayer and the rest of Jesus.  But when you are a Mom of three little kiddies under the age of 5, you sometimes wonder how you are ever going to find the time?  Real time to spend with Jesus.  Like not groggy waking up, forcing open the eyelids after a night of up and down to spend 10 minutes in the word kind of time - on a good day!  Like not closing your eyes for a few moments getting a prayer in edge-ways only to be asked, "Mommy, why are your eyes closed?" 

I am sure that God meant for us to experience his presence in the day to day of life.  And I am sure that he is so creative he can come up with a great variety of ways to know relationship with him and that it doesn't always have to look like the traditional version of what "Quiet Time" brings to mind.  Waking up early, quiet space to spend time uninterrupted with your Saviour?  Uninterrupted is a rare beautiful thing in my life at the moment.  Hence the desire to open up a blog discussion on prayer for the busy ones.  Prayer for the run-around-in-the-rat-race but longing-for-Jesus children.  So I am going to do a series on the exploration of prayer and I welcome all your input.  Every one of your - this is how I do it stories.  All of your ways you find to "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

For starters, I open up with the Secret Garden:
I have been given an ornate and antique key.  I hold it around my neck.  There is a secret garden that is for me alone to access.  The door is covered with creepers, but I lift the creepers and unlock the door, turn the handle, and... I'm in.  Jesus is always waiting for me.  The garden is eternal, because it holds the past, present and future of my walk with God.  I sit on a bench next to Jesus and we hold each other's hands and look into each other's faces.  There is so much to be said without saying a word.  Sometimes I kneel before him with my head in his lap and pour out my tears, concerns and sorrows.  Other times we go for a walk and he shows me what is growing, what is being pruned, cut, weeded, what is being sown.  There is intimacy as we walk hand in hand.  There is sharing, heart to heart.

What does your Secret Place with God look like?

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you"

Looking back over the photos of Abi, here she is a little baby with such a smile.  Fast forward a couple of years and Abi is holding Sophia.  Nearly two years later, Abi, Sophia & Joelle sitting on the couch and I wonder some days, all this beauty in my life and some days I wonder, how am I going to make it? 

Some days I feel afraid I'm not going to make it, when I'm so tired from waking up in the night and not getting enough sleep. When I'm mediating quarrel after quarrel. When the moaning starts and there is no cut off time to it. When the crying starts and then everything else besides combines to set off the Mommy-ain't-goin-back fuse and I think, I'm afraid I won't be able to do it anymore

Then this morning's reading comes up
"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you"

There's no reason to fear when I am here
When you feel at the end of yourself, it's then you will find my strength
Waiting for you in the centre of it all.

Waiting for me in the centre of it all is strength in the heart of my life. My God is the centre of the heart of my life and he smiles strength, oozes it into the fibres of me, marinades me in it, reminds me of it. I don't have to be afraid, cause he is here, with me.

A Whole New World

 

God knows when we're ready to climb up to the next level of life.  He also knows when he needs to hold onto us.  He gives us a feeling for what is to come, but knows we need his support until we are ready to take off up the branches, climb and adventure onto the next level, move forward into the next season.

It's kind of like being just about ready to crawl.  We're getting just about ready to be mobilised and launched into something new.  We're so poised, so ready, but not quite there yet. Life can be like that.  We're feeling oh so ready, yes God. But somehow, we've got some more growing, some more strengthening to do before that first tentative move takes us in a new direction. And then the world is about to open up at our front door.

 

It's like the first day of school and we don't know what to expect.  We are still plugged into the car chair, on the verge of the inevitable, about to walk through the door into a whole new world.  We don't know exactly what to expect.  Are we going to be ok?  Are we going to manage?  Are we going to thrive?

The first-day-of-school feeling comes with a mixture of emotions.  We are excited to be doing something new and wow, it's finally here.  But at the same time, we're not sure exactly how to feel about all of this newness.  God is like the parent who is always rooting for us.  He's behind us all the way.  He knows there's nothing to worry about.

It's not so scary after all.  We take that first step up the slide, and we're about to free-fall glide into a whole new world.

 

Again...

You know how you get those incredible God highs, times with God that seem eternal, like you're never going to forget them, like they're going to go on forever?  Well, isn't it funny, and strange how those times often fade in our minds, and there I am wondering where did God go, or where did I go?

But it's something He said to me, "I never left you".  That was at a time I needed it the most.

He never leaves.  But I sometimes drift.  And it's at those times, I need to come back to my inner centrifugal force of spiritual gravity and come back to that place again and again

Here we are on the verge of things altogether new.  Just testing out the new ground by stepping off the run of the mill path and exploring what can be seen, what can be found.  When I come back to my God in the centre of me, he encourages me to see things in the not so ordinary run of the mill way.  He lifts me out of the mundane and into the new way of seeing.  My circumstances may not be changing very quickly, but he can make something happen inside of me very quickly indeed.

I'm reaching out for a fresh revelation.  I'm coming back to the word to read it afresh, again and again.

I've been waiting at the door and now all of a sudden this door has a key, poised, just waiting to be turned.  It's as I come back to the threshold of God's door, that I can find the courage and strength to turn it, to walk on through.

Dive into the Sea of Glass

When I feel stranded on the island of obscurity, surrounded by a sea of laundry and much else besides, back ground music being the cacophony of squabbles and crying, it got me to thinking about the sea of glass around the throne. 

There is so much peace there, it's all quiet as crystal, this sea.  Glory is what the water is made of.  The water is deeper than all my troubles.  The water goes further to quench me than anything can make me feel desperately thirsty, no dried out crusty Mom's-had-enough feeling can compete with this kind of water, that quenches thirst so deep you won't be thirsty anymore.
Dive into the sea of glass around the throne.  Revelation talks about it, clear as crystal.  That kind of peace is the peace I need to dive into, deeper than ever before.

It's here around the unconditional presence of my loving Father that I find joy in the moments, of gurgling baby, laughter and smiles amidst the trying demanding times I am faced with on a daily basis.

Diving deeper than ever before, deeper into this kind of grace is going to give me such a thrusting surge of strength into my spirit being, such a thirst quenching of grace, such a boost into clarity and perspective.  Because from my Father's side of life, everything has a purpose and a reason and a time.  And it's all beautiful in its time, it's all making something beautiful out of me.

Taking Christmas in our stride!

This Christmas, there is so much to think about.  A busy year behind us, God doing so many amazing things in our lives.  There is a tendency to rush about, getting ready for this, getting ready for that.  Thinking about the family times we've had this past year, Joelle Bethany born into our family!  And remembering my Gran - we celebrated her life this year, such a precious time of thinking about her life at her memorial and all she added to ours.

Now, this Christmas, instead of getting lost in the shops searching around for the right gifts in a frenzy of shoppers and buzzing tills, I want to remain in the peace that Jesus brought, our Prince who brought peace into the world of our hearts.  I want to be a "Peaceful Christmas Person"!

Instead of spending a lot of time and money where time and money cannot really be spent, I want to slow right down and take in these beautiful summer days, stop and smell the flowers along the way, observe the details.  Live long in the moment, be present to the opportunities that God brings along our way, every day.

Keeping alive in my heart and mind the true meaning of our Saviour born into the world, getting ready to be born into so many hearts.  This Christmas, Jesus, be born in the hearts of our family and friends.  Be living and breathing and moving inside our spirits to bring us your thoughts about things.  We have the mind of Christ.  Thinking every thought you bring lifts us up into joy.  And JOY is what you came to bring us when you were born into our world.

You make everything beautiful in its time.  So let us stop rushing into the next season, searching for the things that will maybe make us happy, and rather receive everyday the gift you are, the most massive constantly new gift of our lives, an eternal gift at that.  Let us be your joy to our families and friends, remember and contemplate what you've done in our lives this past year.  And let us think with wonder about what you have in store for each day of the new year.  No matter what is going on around us, let us find and hold, let us meditate the thoughts you have, and be in the truth and Spirit of worship into 2013.